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THE SIMPSONS BODY COUNT
By Isaac
isaac3rd@comcast.net
- The long running television show, the Simpsons, has become an
icon of American folklore and pop culture.
A spinoff of the Tracey Ullman Show, the Simpson family's first episode
aired in late 1989 and is still going
strong, approaching its 400th episode. It was not long before the
Simpsons replaced the Bundys as America's favorite dysfunctional
family.
The iconoclastic show has become noted for, among other things, the
participation of big name guest stars who often appear as
themselves. One little noted grisly fact about this wildly popular
television program, however, is that its guest stars have
developed a
nasty habit of waking up dead after they appear.
Below is a list of celebrities who had the misfortune of running afoul
of the Simpson gang.
The list is incomplete, however; celebrities are continuing to meet
their maker on a regular basis, while the Simpsons have managed
to rack up a body count that would be the envy of the Soprano crime
family. And yet
the dark side of the Simpson family, friends, and associates remains
mostly unexamined.
Until now.
There are many websites featuring the deaths that have supposedly
followed in the wake of Bill Clinton, such as this one: Why
is there no similar site that exposes the deeds of the Simpson
family?
How many deaths will it take for the notorious Simpson clan to be
brought to justice? How long will the Simpsons' bloody rampage be
allowed to run unchecked? What deadly secrets lurk behind the laughter?
What lesson are we teaching our children while this lawless bunch
remains free?
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THE SIMPSONS BODY COUNT
- Phil Hartmann Died 5/28/1998
- The multi-talented Hartmann had become a fixture on the Simpsons,
playing semi-regulars washed up movie star Troy McClure and the
incompetent and corrupt attorney Lionel Hutz. Hartmann also provided
the voice for Springfield founder Jebediah Springfield. Apparently
murdered by his girlfriend on May 28, 1998. What grisly secret about
the Simpsons did Hartmann carry to his grave? Did he know too much?
Doris Grau Died
12/30/1995
Grau stands out on
this list as the only owner of a voice on the
Simspons (she played semi-regular character Lunchlady Doris and county
singer Lurleen Lumpkin in one episode) who was also on the Simpsons
staff of voice performers. Passed away before she could write a
tell-all book
about the "all-American family." Coincidence? I think not.
- Audrey Meadows
- Played Grampa Simpson's girlfriend Bea Simmons, who passed away
in the episode where she guested. Life imitated art on February 3,1996.
What did she know about Grampa that he didn't want revealed?
- Steve Allen Died
10/30/2000
- The versatile performer appeared as Bart's electronically altered
voice in one episode. What were the voices in Bart's head whispering to
him about Steve Allen?
- Bob Hope
- Bob Hope passed away on July 27, 2003, after having been a guest
on the Simpsons. His death came several years after his guest
appearance, allowing the Simpsons to cleverly arrange for the 100 year
old comedian's
death to appear to be due to old age. Bart Simpson has been known to
warn
people in public that they "better stay away from" his Butterfinger.
Did Hope come between Bart Simpson and his candy bar?
- Barry White Died 7/7/2003
- White guest starred twice, playing himself both times. In his
first appearance, he helped ruin Springfield's celebration of
"Whacking Day" (a holiday where town residents bludgeoned snakes to
death with clubs.) Did the fiendish Simpsons have White himself
"whacked?"
- Johnny Carson Died 1/23/2005
- Carson helped Krusty the Clown resuscitate his dying career.
Krusty's career lives on, but Carson does not.
- George Harrison
- Homer publicly showed his disdain for the former Beatle during a
reception for Homer's barbershop quartet, the B Sharps. Before his
death, Harrison was wounded in his home by a knife-wielding assailant.
Homer Simpson has never been able to adequately account for his
whereabouts on the date of the stabbing, or on November 29,2001, the
date of Harrison's eventual death.
- The Ramones
- Joey Ramone Died 4/15/2001
- Johnny Ramone Died 9/15/2004
- Dee Dee Ramone Died 6/5/2002
- The Ramones heckled Montgomery Burns at his own birthday party.
Three down, one to go.
- Werner Klemperer (Colonel Klink) Died
12/6/2000
The Hogan's Heroes co-star played Homer's guardian angel.
Klemperer is
now an angel for real after his run in with the Simpsons.
- Tito Puente Died
6/1/2000
- Briefly a suspect after Maggie Simpson shot Mr. Burns in a two
part episode. Was Puente Maggie's real target all along?
Linda McCartney Died 4/17/1998
Linda McCartney encouraged Lisa to shun meat and be a
vegetarian. McCartney
passed away soon after her appearance on the Simpsons.
Jonathan Melvoin Died 7/12/1996
The Smashing Pumpkins' keyboard player's demise came soon after Homer's
stint as The Human Cannonball, where he traveled with the Pumpkins on
the Hullabalooza tour. What secret of Homer's did Melvoin learn during
their time together on
the road?
- Paul Winfield (Lucious Sweet) Died
3/7/2004
- Winfield played Lucious Sweet, manager of Mike Tyson parody,
Dredrick Tatum. Sweet pressured Moe into having Homer Simpson box
Tatum, who proceeded to whale the tar out of Simpson. Payback?
- Johnny Cash (Coyote) Died
9/12/2003
- In one episode Cash played Homer's spirit guide. Did Homer
arrange for Cash's only future appearances to be
down, down, down, in a burning ring of fire?
- Jack Lemmon Died 6/7/2001
- The award winning actor sold Marge a pretzel franchise in the
episode in which he guest starred. The pretzel business caused
Marge
more problems than it solved. The newspapers reported Lemmon's death,
while keeping quiet his relationship with Marge. Hmmmmm....
- Stephen Jay Gould Died
5/20/2002
- A noted biological scientist, Gould played himself in a Simpsons
episode where he examined a fossilized "angel" Lisa had
unearthed.
After appearing in the
episode, Gould now lives with the angels. Coincidence? I rest my case.
- Jim Varney Died
2/10/2000
- Varney, who had played Ernest P. Worrells in a series of
self-titled movies, played a carnival worker who became one of the only
people Homer Simpson ever outsmarted. Was Homer content to leave it at
that, or did he have a more final humiliation in mind? Know whut ah
mean, Vern?
John Entwhistle (of The Who) Died 6/27/2002
During questioning about the legendary bass player's death in a hotel
room while on tour, Homer Simpson showed no interest in anything other
than a foot long Hoagie sandwich. His only comment was "Can't
talk...eating..."
Joe C. Died 11/16/2000
The diminutive sidekick of Kid Rock performed at a party the entire
Simpson family attended during Spring Break. The Simpsons have been
entirely silent on the subject.
Rodney Dangerfield
Dangerfield played Monty Burns' ill-begotten son. He died on October 3, 2004 without getting no respects, last or
otherwise, from the Simpsons cast.
Isabel Sanford Died 07/09/2004
Shortly after appearing as herself on the Simpsons, Jeffersons co-star Sanford (Louise "Weezy" Jefferson), permanently
moved on up to that Dee-lux Apartment in the Sky. Did Sanford finally get a piece of Homer's pie?
I report. I decide.
Isaac