In Search of...

In Search of the Elusive Right-Wing Sense of Humor: Revisited

Isaac Peterson
isaac3rd@mediaone.net

Note: I started on this right before the terrorism. I held off finishing then because I had more important fish to fry. Now I'm back to finish old business.

So, yesterday I'm sitting here at my computer trying to come up with a column for this space, but not having much inspiration. I decide to check my e-mail to see if any ideas are in there. I get so much e-mail, and so much of it is from people so articulate and intelligent, sometimes I wonder why I'm the one with a column. So, maybe some e-mail will be enough to get the juices flowing.

And when I checked my mail, I hit paydirt. I thought it was just dirt at first. See, I finally got a reply from Larry Kilbride.

Let me back up a minute. When I was a lot newer at this, one of the first columns I wrote was called "In Search of the Elusive Right-Wing Sense of Humor". It got a very good response- I heard from liberals and conservatives and everyone in between. It ran in May of this year.

But the inspiration for that piece was this e-mail from Larry Kilbride:

From: lkilbride@mindspring.com

Subject: BartCop ubeza mügli chambo chamba krepiet¿

Grãndars!

Choclieta borza contampõ Bazra Katórti borza Øtµ¥pta slenkâ pira Ðjmatri.

BartCop ubeza mügli prengraps cora Katabampa borza yeng borza Brüßem.

Chang¿ €yttra coentis braapdong chügga chügga!

Sleppers,

I wrote the piece, ending with a "challenge" to Larry to either make me think or make me laugh. He never got back to me, so I forgot about it.

Then yesterday morning, I get this e-mail:

Subject: Your Rewards Are Attached
   Date: Sun, 9 Sep 2001 08:53:11 -0400
   From: "lkilbride" <lkilbride@mindspring.com>
     To:    <isaac3rd@mediaone.net>

I found it hilarious to find my name on the internet regarding a note I
dropped to a foreign friend, but somehow it got to you. You spent hours no
doubt responding to it. That is amazing. I will not reciprocate. It is
not worth my time.

There were 8 jpg files attached (I assume these are the "rewards"-I'll never find out, I'm not going to open them and find my computer infected with Kilbride virus or cooties or whatever).

I sent this reply:

Subject:   Re: Your Rewards Are Attached
Date:       Sun, 09 Sep 2001 08:17:43 -0500
From:       isaac peterson <isaac3rd@mediaone.net>
To:          lkilbride <lkilbride@mindspring.com>

And yet you reciprocated, because here you are. Funny, that... And only 4 months late.

I sent it and said to myself, "Maybe he sent the original e-mail that started this all by accident...Maybe I didn't need to be such a smartass about it". I almost sent back another e-mail giving him the benefit of the doubt.

But then I got this:

Subject: RE: Your Rewards Are Attached
Date:     Sun, 9 Sep 2001 09:28:30 -0400
From:    "lkilbride" <lkilbride@mindspring.com>
To:        "isaac peterson" <isaac3rd@mediaone.net>

Yes, I have read your dull articles off and on. Since I only look in on
BartCop about once a week, I do not keep in touch much any longer. Like I
said, I may write a sentence or two to you or other Robot Liberals, but not
pages of rhetoric like you wrote. What nonsense. What a waste of space.
It sounds like BartCadaver is going to close his website soon. Must have
lost his DNC funding. Have a great week, Isaac.

Okaaaay....if that's the way you want it Lar. You see, you made me remember that I said I would have your response printed. Here we go, chump:

First, you say that "somehow" your e-mail made it to me. I've reprinted the entire e-mail here so you and everyone can see where it came from. I got it from you, Larry. You sent it to me. Let me repeat: YOU. Sent. It. To. ME. If you still don't get it, maybe you could arrange to have an adult sit down and explain it to you. There ain't no "somehow" about it. You typed in my e-mail address and hit "Send".

Now about the other: Please don't tell me you're not reading my dull articles! Anything but that! One thing you could have helped me out with though: What could I do to make my writing more interesting to you? You see, this isn't the only place I'm published anymore. At last count, I've seen my work appear on upwards of a dozen different sites, and those are just the ones I know of. And no telling how many discussion groups run my stuff. Also no way to know how many people send them to everyone they know. I get e-mail form people all the time telling me they do that. I feel like such a fraud, wasting all these people's time, writing dull pieces.

But what could I do so you wouldn't think I'm dull? Use shorter words? If so, let me recommend Hooked on Phonics. All the other kiddies in the TV commercial said it helped them read one grade level higher. Save up your paper route money and look into it.

Would it help if I wrote about radioactive monsters and put in car crashes instead of writing about issues? Tell me, please, please, what would make me more interesting? Girly pictures? Contests?

And it's kind of you to be so concerned about BartCop's welfare, but we'll be fine here. If this site does happen to go dark, I have other places to go. This is my first home, though, and my work does always appear here first, so don't worry, I have places that will keep picking me up. Places that really piss off you and yours. But BartCop will be here for a long time, and so will I, Larry. Get used to us.

Larry, it took you 4 months to come up with that? I'd be disaapointed if I thought you could do better.

I don't give advice usually, but here's some for you:

Give it up-you're not good at this. Grow yourself a penis and get out and have some real fun in your life. Besides, I remember reading a post from you here where you said you'd never be back. Why don't you take your own advice, especially since I'm dull?

While you're at it, why don't you try to start a relationship with your brain cells? They'd probably like that, being so lonely and in the dark.

And Larry, when your doctor says take your pills, take all of your pills.

isaac peterson

I report. I decide.